Photo by Tom Gates

Forget life support —we live and breathe on tech support! Basic survival depends on PCs, laptops, cell phones, even computerized cars; and it takes years of training to learn to operate our gadgetry. And when it all self-destructs—as it did for me, all in one week—we succumb to what medicos at
the CDC (Center for Diseased Computers) diagnose as “tech-stroke.” We’re reduced to techie invalids, babbling “Ga-ga-goo-goo-google.”
I should know. First, in the “spam” of one week, my main computer crashed (as in dead)—every file, document, and photo abducted by cyberspace—and I spent Hours From Hell trying to retrieve every little megabyte of information. Want to die from aggravation? Play around with a dead computer! So I bought the new 24-inch iMac: Oh my! So big! So beautiful! But no one told me that installing and figuring out all the new software would give me major brain paralysis—the first symptom of a full-blown tech-stroke.

Then my cell phone went down. Totally kaput. I kept it, broken. I couldn’t BEAR to learn O-N-E more NEW electronic thingy. But survivors need cell phones! So, more Hours From Hell just to change providers, buy a new cell, and learn how to reprogram 1,000 phone numbers, plus figure out all its other multi-functions—though I still can’t get a handle on how
it makes coffee...

Finally, my car went into transmission meltdown. So I bought a hot new Mercedes. If I thought I had to master only one new computer in my office, I was mistaken: I am NOT driving what I once knew as a car: I AM DRIVING A COMPUTER! Talk about TECHNOLOGY OVERDRIVE! When I first switched on the ignition, a digital readout on the dashboard instructed me: “Don’t let this distract you.” But THAT is the very thing that’s distracting! And the very first day I drove the baby, I hit the horn
(which I frequently do, as a NYC Type-A driver). At the same time, I’m talking to the new phone service provider on the cell, who’s trying to
explain the workings of this phone that is somehow married to the car and has tied the knot with the speakerphone. (That means any-
one in the car with me overhears every conversation broadcast from the roof’s loudspeaker. I haven’t learned yet how to disconnect THAT!)
I must have hit the G-Spot on the horn that sets off the electronic female voice—call her “Mona”: she moans and groans—to interrupt
with, “What is your command?”

I ignored her/IT and just kept talking to my cell provider. “What is your command?” she repeated. Mona wouldn’t stop until I gave my command, so I retorted, “Shut up, bitch... please!” And there must be a hardwired command that understands, because Mona DID just that. Offended, the cell provider asked, “Who are you talking to?” I replied, “My car!”

I realized I had to watch exactly WHERE to touch the steering wheel so as not to disturb Mona. But a horn IS a horn, right??? Not anymooore! The car is now multitasking! But it takes CIA (Computer Intelligence Agency) training to figure out exactly how it multitasks: I still don’t get how to work the satellite navigation, iPod connection, CD changer, switch
from AM to FM to Sirius Radio—which way to push, click, shove (right side, left side, in, out) that EVERYTHING KNOB which controls it all!
Talk about distracting!

So I’ve had a tech-stroke! However, the good news is I survived. Like learning to walk and talk again, I realized I had to chill out and take baby techie steps. For now, I choose just to do the regular stuff a CAR is supposed to do. One day I will get to the fancy parts when my recovered brain will allow it. When push came to shove, I stepped up to the plate—
only because I HAD to! It’s an amazing experience to go through, but when you break through that resistance, you do function more efficiently. It’s just that you may lose some of your brain RAM temporarily while trying to adjust to all this. But be prepared, just as you think you’ve got it licked, your computer, cell phone, and car are obsolete!!!

Still, WE’VE COME A LONG WAY, TECHIES!
Enjoy The Sheet!

JJ

Joan Jedell appears on national and local TV.
Her photographs are syndicated worldwide.