Turning Over a New Leaf

 Are you there, readers? It’s me, Mrs. Tittle-Tattle. Summer fun is over, and as sad as we are that the beach season is waning, at least we won’t have to be so vigilant about waxing. I know that this is not technically the beginning of a new calendar year, but since the school year starts around this time, it’s easy for us to think of September as a clean slate.
   September is also the month of the Jewish New Year and Yom Kippur, when Jews atone for the “sins” of the past year—like when they ate a sandwich last Yom Kippur when they were supposed to be fasting. (Um, yeah, I did that, but at least it wasn’t a BLT.)
   Seriously, though, fall is an opportunity for all of us city folk to reflect upon the not-so-nice things we’ve said or done, or even just thought.
   So to help you kick-start a new season, here are some suggestions for a few areas where we could use a more “positive” outlook.

   1. Cab Drivers
  Old Attitude: This cab smells like a goat having sex with a piña colada. I’m going to throw up, between the odor and the bad driving. This guy has no idea where he’s going, and he’s talking on his iPhone. He’s getting a really bad tip. If only I had married my ex-boyfriend—the one with the driver.
  New Attitude: I am so grateful to have found a cab in the pouring rain at rush hour. I don’t care that I feel like I’m going to puke, because now my shearling coat won’t get wet. The fact that he’s going 70 mph means that I won’t be late for my manicure, assuming I don’t wind up in the ER. I am one lucky gal!

  2. Thy Neighbors
  Old Attitude: That woman in 5D won’t shut the hell up about how all of her kids got in early to Yale! I hope the next time I see her in the building gym, a 20-pound weight accidentally drops on her facelift.
  New Attitude: “You must be so proud of Lizzy! I’m sure that the new Visual Arts building named after your family had nothing to do with her getting in, because she could have gone anywhere, she is so smart! And we really don’t mind that your bathroom is leaking onto our antique furniture, because we’re going to Paris for three months, so I’m sure by the time we get back, everything will be fixed and you will have left us an insurance check so I can buy some new stuff. See you in the gym!”

   3. The Duane Reade Pharmacist
  Old Attitude: “What?! You don’t have my medication in stock and you’ll have to order it? What do you mean there were more people than usual having psychotic breaks this month, so I’ll have to wait until Monday for my controlled substance? I want to speak to the manager! You are the manager? Oh. So could you call some of the other Duane Reades? Yeah, well, I’m busy too, so if you don’t call for me, I’m going to have my own psychotic break right here in the store, and then I’ll call my lawyer.”
  New Attitude: “You don’t have my pills in stock? No problem! I’ll try the other 10 Duane Reades in the neighborhood. No, you don’t have to call them for me, thank you. I can see you are very busy chatting with another customer about who you liked on America’s Got Talent last night. Oh yes, I think anyone who can juggle Jell-O balls while singing “Memory” and dancing on a giant plate of nachos is extremely talented and deserves to win. See you next time!”

    4. The Restaurant Hostess
  Old Attitude: “Our table isn’t ready yet? But it’s 8:30 and our reservation was for 8! What do you mean Sarah Jessica Parker and President Obama just took our table? But they’re not regulars! No, I don’t want to sit at the bar! If you don’t give us a table in the next 10 minutes, I’m going to leave! And I’m never coming back! I know I said that last week, but this time I really mean it.”
  New Attitude: “Of course we don’t mind waiting 45 minutes. I know some people in New York are more important than we are and deserve special treatment, even if they didn’t have a reservation, and we did. I’m happy just hanging out near your pedestal, having a drink, and chatting with my husband about my shopping bills. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Natalie Portman? No? I can’t believe it! Yeah, not the scary Black Swan Natalie, but more like the Star Wars Natalie. Oh, you’re an actress, too? You’re kidding! You must get a lot of parts! You are so stunning! What? Our table’s ready? You’re the best, thanks!”

So cop a new attitude and don’t be rude. At least not out loud. Happy fall!

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