Wife bonuses?...Give me a break!

Dave Carlin of CBS News recently interviewed me about these alleged “wife bonuses” being doled out to non-working mothers living on the Upper East Side.

Truth be told, I had never heard of such a ridiculous thing until someone showed me an article about a woman from the U.K., who boasted about receiving 20% of her husband’s $150,000 bonus. My jaw-dropped as I read the article. What does 20% of $150,000 work out to after taxes anyway? Was this woman really bragging about the fact her husband — whom she called her “employer” — awarded her a measly five-figure bonus for performance of her “wifely duties?”

I don’t know that woman, nor do I know any woman who receives a wife bonus. Quite frankly, I don’t want to get to know any of those people or their spouses. While I really think this whole “wife-bonus” thing is a hoax, since people with real money never talk about it, I wanted to make sure that all of you wives out there know that you are not your husband’s property and that you are definitely not your husband’s employee. A marriage is a partnership!

If you are in a relationship where you are hoping to get just a measly 20% of your husband’s bonus, maybe you should be seeing a marriage counselor or, better yet, a divorce lawyer. Or, if you don’t want to be that drastic, maybe consider moving to a “community property” state (like California) where everything is 50/50, like in a true partnership. Of course, for the women who have since crawled out of the woodwork to brag about their alleged “wife-bonuses,” none of the above solutions will probably work, since they seem to be so hell-bent on profiting from their relationships. If they really want to make money off of their marriages, I have a better, sure-fire solution for them that will garner greater and more frequent financial rewards.

I call it the “Jedell Fining System.” Instead of waiting until December for some speculative bonus, why not “fine” your husbands each time they do something wrong? You heard me, fine them. Like an overdue library book “fine” or parking in a handicap spot “fine.”

Does your husband leave the toilet seat up? If so, fine him.
Did he forget your wedding anniversary? Fine him and give him a dose of B-12, which improves memory loss.
Did he say something negative about your mother? Double the fine.
Did your husband drift off while you were talking to him only to repeat the last few words of your sentence when you asked him if he was listening to you? Fine him!
Did he cheat on you? Well, depending on the circumstances, you just might want to give him a refund for having another woman do the dirty and take him off your hands, but I digress…

With the “Jedell Fining System,” these women will be able to purchase a Birkin bag for every color of the rainbow in no time at all … This system is still in development, and I welcome any suggestions that any of you may have over the course of the summer months. Speaking of summer: in this month’s issue of Hampton Sheet, check out the nonstop glam parties of the NYC season, including the fabulous Met gala, the Hot Pink party for breast cancer, the chi chi Central Park Hat party, Rita Hayworth gala, Pratt Institute galas, the Moving Image, movie premieres, and more.

And don’t miss Roger Friedman’s exclusive interview with our cover boy, Scott Eastwood (yes, Clint’s son) and check out Dr. Howard Sobel’s beauty tips, Jill Brooke’s Travel Views…what you need to know when traveling abroad, Jeffrey Lyons’ film review column, Vicki Kelsey’s Literary Lowdown, and more.

Our event calendar will keep you in the know all summer long, keeping your social schedule filled with the best of the best to keep your life interesting and fun! Please come by, camera ready, when you see me at the best of the best parties, as you may be featured in the next issue of HS.

And, oh yes, remember to tune into 1010 WINS for Joan Jedell’s Red Carpet Scoop report on Thursdays and Fridays on your way out to the bucolic Hamptons.