A screenwriter couldn’t create a more dire time in U.S. history. Two years into the second term of George W. Bush, the president’s approval ratings have dipped below 30 percent, and historians are speculating that he may be remembered as the worst president in American history.

Three years after President Bush proclaimed, “Mission accomplished!” on the deck of the USS Lincoln, the total troop death count in Iraq now stands at over 2,400, more than the number killed at Pearl Harbor, with no end to the conflict in sight.

Key federal job openings continue to be filled with administration cronies, while scandals, corruption investigations, trials, Abu Ghraib court-martials, programs of “extraordinary rendition” and domestic wiretapping, and relaxed mine industry safety standards fill the headlines. Eight months after Hurricane Katrina flooded the city of New Orleans, thousands are still stranded in temporary housing.

Ah, yes, all of this gets me thinking, rather wistfully, “If I were president, here’s what I would do….” So, two years after the “Swift Boating” of Senator John Kerry‘s war record by Republican political operatives, I’ve decided that it’s time for some “Swift Emoting,” to pay tribute to the satirical style of the late Jonathan Swift, writer of the droll 1729 treatise “A Modest Proposal.” I am in no way advocating (as Swift did so bitingly, when discussing the lower classes of Ireland) the “stewing, roasting, baking, or boiling” of young children to alleviate the burden on the poor people of this country. Still, my proposals for curing our national ills are equally provocative.

1) War in the Middle East: If countries must go to war, the United Nations should supervise the first hard-fought battle—between world leaders, down and dirty, in the trenches. Let’s see how President Bush’s flight suit holds up in the desert. After the first battle, if the conflict goes forward, all children of all elected officials in the White House and Congress must serve. Let’s send those twins off to Baghdad.

2) Unity: Establish one universal religion, called “meditation.” We all go to the same place. And ponder this: If aliens from another world were to invade Earth, wouldn’t we all join together, with all terrorists, to fight in defense of our planet?

3) New Orleans Reconstruction: Send President Bush and Laura down there to live in temporary housing—in a mobile home or shelter, till major reconstruction is 90 percent completed. Set up the Oval Office in the New Orleans City Hall, and rotate Cabinet members in and out, for one-month shifts. Live and work there; don’t just show up for a well-lighted photo op in denim shirts and work pants straight out of an LL Bean catalogue.

4) Environmental Protection: President Bush won’t sign the Kyoto Agreement? He must go and live six months in smog-enveloped Los Angeles (or any of the other top-ten polluted U.S. cities.)

5) Anti-smoking Laws: Citizens wishing to smoke in public places must gather in city “smoke houses,” where they can pile in, string themselves up by their backpacks or suspenders, and smoke till they’re pickled pink. Those disobeying the law will be sent to a nicotine-withdrawal program at the Betty Ford Center. Smoke offenders should be relieved that the death penalty isn’t invoked, for when someone lights up (whether on the street or in the privacy of their own apartment, where smoke travels through air vents), it can shorten our lives.

6) Criminal Justice System: a) Create an alternate jury pool and courtroom environment for creative types à la Michael Jackson, Robert Blake, Phil Spector, Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman), George Michael, and on and on. We’ve loved them for their creativity; let’s give them an environment where they can dress, talk, and defend themselves as they always have, and be tried by a jury of their creative peers. b) Discontinue the draconian Rockefeller drug laws and shorten the unbearably long prison terms for those found in possession of miniscule grams of drugs.

7) Reality check: Require elected and appointed government officials to screen films like HBO’s Baghdad ER, which graphically documents the catastrophic deaths and maiming of our troops in Iraq. Lift the Pentagon’s ban (in place since the Gulf War in 1991) on media coverage of returning casualties and coffins through Andrews and Dover Air Force Bases, so that we all face the horror of this war together. To date, more than 2,400 coffins and nearly 18,000 casualties have arrived home under the cloak of darkness. The paralysis, brain trauma, loss of eyesight, multiple limb amputations, and facial cranial disfiguration resulting from roadside bombs in Iraq may win the survivors Purple Hearts, but they are left struggling with disabling injuries the rest of their lives. We can’t turn our backs because it’s hard to watch; it’s harder to live it. We shouldn’t hide the human cost of war from the American people.

8) Domestic Wiretapping Without a Warrant: Install phone bugs within all government offices, including the Oval Office, with all transcripts to be stored in the National Archives. For every instance of illegal domestic wiretapping of a civilian that comes to light, one government transcript should be released to all major news outlets.

9) Infidelity: Anyone who strays must unequivocally pay his spouse half his/her net worth, regardless of whether the couple divorce. The unfaithful must show up for three months of behavioral therapy, learning to be sensitive, responsive, and sexual within the confines of his/her own legal union. A bad relationship should also be tax deductible; after all, it was an investment of time and money, and it depreciated. Write it off!

10) Embezzlers: Money grubbers don’t get sent to jail. Instead, they must work for the person they embezzled from, wage free, and pay back every penny (even if it means forever).

11) Paint the White House Pink. OK, I like the color. But it will also be a better tourist draw. Beef up the public tour and raise the price (proceeds go toward the deficit). Add wax figures of U.S. presidents in all rooms, by Madame Tussauds. President Bush won’t be there, anyway. He’ll be fighting in Iraq, living in a trailer in New Orleans, or coughing it up in Los Angeles.

In conclusion, I cite lines from Tony Bennett’s much-beloved tune (music by Cyril Ornadel, words by Leslie Bricusse):

“If I ruled the world, every man would say the world was his friend
There’d be happiness that no man could end…”